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  they should make brain cancelling headphones

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  they’re eating the republicans , they’re eating the aristocrats

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  shoot for the moon bc even if you miss you might clip some SpaceX satellites

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  some of the world’s greatest philosophers are shitposters

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  that special time of year the skeletons in your closet are considered festive

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  *screams into the abyss *abyss screams back That’s fair

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  Cop: any illegal drugs on you? Me: what state am i in?

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  personally, i think you look great in your goth gown, your honor

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  my favorite mythical creature is a reasonable boss

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  I’m so tired, even when I wake up, I’m already sick of this shit

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  avoid peer pressure by eliminating all of your peers

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  I’m starting to suspect the government doesn’t want what’s best for me

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  the thermostat in my car just says LOL

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  Tennessee whiskey is just regular whiskey that’s allowed to marry its cousin

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  we all have that one friend who likes to one up everyone else around them and that’s what frightens me most about this explosive diarrhea outbreak

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  there’s no way this is the same brain i used to remember phone numbers with

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  im sorry my pet rock attacked you like that. he’s normally not like that

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  any day can be a sick day when you’re sick of this shit

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  all of my best friends are strangers on the internet

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  Interviewer: what do you ultimately want to become? Me: employed

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  bong rips, part of a complete breakfast

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  *gets laughed out of the Met Gala by dressing as the Mets

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  wasn’t invited to the Met Gala again and now im starting to take it personal

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  in my defense your honor, i did declare a thumb war

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  If I ever bequeath anything to anyone, I’m definitely farting on it first

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  i put my phone on dark mode and now it won’t stop listening to The Cure

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  if hamburger helper then surely hot dog collaborator

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  living rent-free in someone else’s head is by far the most affordable housing you’re going to find on the market

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  the male urge to tell her what’s wrong with her vehicle while having minimal knowledge of the inner workings of a vehicle

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  this meeting could’ve been a brain aneurysm